Ask A Healer Inner Child Healing Series

Spiritual, soul-level reasons we may choose to recreate emotionally challenging relationships
© Neva J Howell, All Rights Reserved

Healing emotional wounds through graduated levels of unhealthy relationships

There is a spiritual phenomenon associated with self-development and the evolution of the soul that I call distancing the manifestation that many of us use as a spiritual path for healing emotional wounds from our past.

I'm sure psychologists have another word for it but this is a spiritual wellness article, not a psychological analysis, so please listen with your heart.

Distancing the Manifestation: When we passed through our formative years, from age one to seven, we were imprinted with the morals, ideas, belief systems, etc., of those adults who were closest to us -- mother, father, older siblings, grandparents. For so very many of us, our role models were not positive.

We learned things like abuse, low self-esteem, explosive anger, fear-based secrecy or total lack of respect for privacy and boundaries, co-dependence, smother-love, etc.

Then, as we reached dating age, we discovered (some of us early on, others not until after years of operating within the behavior pattern) that we ended up being attracted to and dating people who reminded us of our own negative role models. Some of us even married such a person.

If we had fathers or mothers who had explosive tempers, for example, we married a man or woman who also flew off the handle at the slightest provocation.

It was the attraction of the familiar, and it was our challenge to heal -- an opportunity to decide to make a different choice.

This is a step in the healing process, for many. For many, it is not the only step. The next step is what I call distancing the manifestation and works like this:

After the first few levels of emotional wounds have healed, through re-inventing the past and making different choices, thereby creating a more healthy reality for oneself, there are often even deeper levels of wounding that usually surface.

Healing these core wounds often requires a safer environment than one where we are just fighting to change our ways of relating, and cellular level issues have to wait until we have made some progress in that area, before they rise to our outer consciousness.

Creating a Safer Trauma:

At this point, one of the ways we can create a scenario for dealing with these issues is to bring someone into our life in-relation to us, our spouse or most intimate friend, who mirrors the parent or negative role model.

This is a safer arena for the deeper emotional work because we have the foundation of a good relationship to buffer the in-relation manifestation we have created.

We repeatedly chop away at the the pattern of negative relationships through the process of choosing them. We marrying into a negative relationship, in part, to learn new ways to relate.

Then, either the relationship changed to a more healthy one, or you ended it, and created a more healthy relationship in its' place. You successfully created a new reality for yourself.

You healed enough levels of your past programming to manifest a different living situation than the one in which you may have grown up.

Within that time span, there may be the introduction of a new and agitating person into your life. This new influence may come via your most intimate, healthy relationship.

Perhaps the relative of your spouse suddenly has to move in with you; or a brother, sister, aunt, uncle, grandfather, grandmother, etc.

If your spouse or partner is not your most healthy relationship at the time, then this new and necesary person may enter your life via your closest friend or co-worker.

A person chosen to help you grow spiritually is usually quite easy to spot. They begin to assert themselves in your life a lot more than you want them to do, and they annoy you a lot!

Over time, you may begin to notice that the annoyance is specific in nature; there is actually something about this person that specifically reminds you of a negative role model.

Maybe this person has the same explosive anger tendency as dad, or the same passive-aggressive behavior as mom.

If you don't know about this phenomenon, it is easy to choose the martyr or victim stance. You will conclude that this burr in your side to be just something you have to put up with, the price you pay for loving your spouse or friend.

There is another level of healing being offered in such cases. It may well be that you have distanced the manifestation of a past, unhealed issue so that you can heal.

By distancing the relationship, it isn't right in your face all the time, the way it would be if you had manifested it in your spouse or best friend.

It's actually a sign of spiritual and emotional development that you have re-created the past in such a way that you now have some support in dealing with it.

If this is happening to you, these words will ring true. If not, this may sound like mumbo-jumbo. Disregard what does not now apply.

Whatever your situation is, and whatever drew you to this article, the first step to healing is surrender to what is and an acceptance of your role in creating whatever exists in your life.

Resenting what you have consciously or unconsciously drawn into your life is counter-productive and may cause you to miss a soul-level opportunity for healing emotional wounds that arise from belief systems that no longer serve.

Some common belief systems about life that may be surfacing for healing when you had distanced the manifestion:

I knew it was too good to be true


It is always something


I can never be completely happy

Something is always going to stand in my way

By identifying the specific personal programming that you hear in your own mind when you think of this irritating presence in your life, will give you tremendous insight into what needs healing.

ps. Quantum healing can occur with just your awareness of this pattern of distancing the manifestation. Once you see it, you have a choice - it may be the last time you ever have to do that.

Part Two on Healing Emotional Wounds
Profile in Spiritual Wellness: Healing Money Issues


Emotional Health Disclaimer: Mental health issues relating from childhood trauma should be addressed appropriately. The emotional healing information shared here is not intended to take the place of mental health or psychiatric evaluation that may also be needed. Please consult with your chosen mental health professional if emotional issues are challenging your state of health and well-being.