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Manifesting Romantic Relationships
Getting out of the "friend zone"
Ask A Healer Spiritual Wellness Series
Always Ending up in the "friend zone" with potential mates? Explore how to shift perspective on this phenomenon.
by N J Howell
Note: This is the transcript of an actual counseling session. Some personal details removed for privacy.
Question on Healing: Every time I like a person it does not pick up beyond a friendship. I'm sure there must a nice partner for me somewhere on this earth, but somehow somthing is stopping me meet that person... and everytime I meet someone that I like, they want to be just friends. I have done a full 'scan' of possible obstacles from appearances to behaviour, manners and attitude, and have 'corrected' anything which may be bringing this situation. I'm simply tired finding only closed doors when I like someone, and I would like to seek healing, if there is something in my energy which needs to be healed.
Healing Facilitation Response: Could you relax into the knowing that you are grasping and that the grasping is coming from a sense of lack in your life? Is it possible that this sense of lack, because there is no relationship of the kind that you believe you want and need, is a symptom of a larger sense of lack in your life? Can you be with those questions and start to encourage your mind, body and soul to stop grasping, stop looking for a relationship? Sometimes it is the mental set up that keeps us stuck. You have a history of this happening now, this experience of liking someone and having them want to be just friends instead. The energy of that history precedes you as you meet someone and tends to draw the same experience again. Stepping back and letting go of looking can be helpful. Meditation on this may be helpful.
Questioner: So I have to stop my body and mind from the grasp they have on the energy of 'rejection' which I experienced.. correct please? I tried the meditation of being already with someone I love and being loved by the one I love... how come that has not changed the circumstances you think?
Healing Facilitation Response: The meditation I would suggest would be of seeing yourself complete, whole and happy without that relationship. Then, you'd be attracting from a fullness of Spirit, rather than the energy of lack and wishing and wanting. The way you are doing it now is coming from a space within you that longs for what it does not have. Make sense?
Questioner: I see ok... the only problem with that for me is that I feel I always have to be complete on my own without a playmate so to say... during my childhood and adolescence I was forbidden to socialize with the opposite sex and that has created a huge 'hunger' in me.. so meditating to be complete on my own is a little similar to what I had to do to survive back then without the opposite gender. How can I change this superimposed feeling of mine please: not to equate being complete as yet another repetition of being a someone who should be able to live without a romantic relationship?
Healing Facilitation Response: I would say you have never been complete on your own, ever. You have settled. There's a big difference. Allowing the hunger to be there without needing to do anything about it or trying to change it or forcing yourself to be ok with it... I suspect that may be new for you. I'd take the should out of any sentence about this. If you can look at it as a curious experiment... play with the idea of surrender to what is... it's an exploration.
Questioner: When you say "you have settled, there is a big difference".. what do you mean please? You mean I survived with circumstances but inside felt hungry? I would love to NOT feel hungry for a partner's presence and love... I can only create that reality in my imagination of feeling full though....through meditation...
Healing Facilitation Response: Yes, the hunger was a sign that you might have felt "I had to be complete on my own" but you really never were. Good insight. It is normal for most of us to like having "the other" to be with in life. Communion and love are most enjoyable, though, when one feels complete in oneself.
Questioner: Oh I see... that is what you meant by taking out the "should", so instead of feeling "i have to be complete on my own", instead "I allow myself to be complete"... yes please?
Healing Facilitation Response: First, there is the acceptance of what is, as self-created. So, what I mean is more along the lines of "I allow myself to feel INcomplete. I allow myself to be just as I am. I am ok ... and ... I vision a new way of being. I am ok, now, feeling incomplete." Own what you've created and co-created up to this moment, that has caused this feeling, this illusion of incomplete. That's the surrender that's needed before you can even see how the pattern developed in a way that enables you to shift in relationship to it.
Questioner: oh..... this is new to me indeed! So instead of feeling bad about being incomplete, to stay with that feeling first and explore it and then invite new possibilities in you mean?
Healing Facilitation Response: ABSOLUTELY! You have it! It's yours, it's here, first step is to own it and surrender into the reality of it. What we fight, fights back. We co-create with our world and what comes to us, comes because we invited it. If what is here is a sense of incompleteness then the first step to completeness is to be ok with feeling incomplete in the present moment. It's ok. It's here to show us something we need to see before we can create the love relationship for which our soul is calling.
Questioner: wow.... never knew this! I see... it's a little similar to some EFT sessions I had done to release some freeze trauma effects I used to have, the lady told me first to feel all the fear, before letting go of it... I see.. I never did it with loneliness and hunger feeling for a man's love and presence in my life. Wow...thanks so excited to do the meditation now!