Surrender and Ownership
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Chapter 3: Surrender and Ownership
by N J Howell
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Shifting Poverty Consciousness, The Hard Way:
I didn't know about surrender and breathing into contraction when I was growing up. I knew to keep working despite the contraction and fear. Looking back now, I realize I was also programmed to keep going on whatever course opened up, regardless of whether it fed my soul or not. If it was a job and it paid, I took it.
When introduced to metaphysical principles, I wanted a different relationship with money so I focused on healing poverty consciousness for many years, off and on. I listened to dozens of different self-help tapes, subliminal tapes and hypnosis tapes on creating prosperity consciousness, used most of the popular abundance affirmations around, prayed and meditated on creating abundance, etc.
After trying every known third-dimensional approach to shifting my belief systems around money and other forms of abundance, this was still an area of my life at which I felt I was not succeeding. I was still struggling with money issues, despite healing other areas of imbalance in my life.
Then, something happened that changed everything, at least for a good, long season. I was spiritually, mentally, physically and emotionally knocked lifeless by a catastrophic event. I came near to dying over this event. I came near to ceasing to believe in God over this one event.
Broken, depressed, deeply wounded emotionally and void of ambition, hope or goals, I found myself sitting in a little $200.00 trailer - yes, you read that right. The tiny mobile home I lived in cost me two hundred dollars. (you can imagine what you can buy for $200 - a tin can with air holes, basically). I had no social life and almost no money. Because of stress and depression, my physical health was not good. Emotionally, I was even more unhealthy. I found I could not feel love or any other positive emotion. I also could not pray. At all. In fact, the only emotion I could summon besides hopelessness was rage so I railed against the universe.
Why had my life fallen apart again? And why so completely? God, had I not put forth almost superhuman effort toward changing these patterns? This would have been the point where I'd rally, and commit again to fighting for what should have been mine as a Divine Child of God. Over and over, I had done this. I had rallied around this idea that abundance was being withheld from me, wrongfully. Or I fell into the thinking that I just needed to try more, work harder, to fight and overcome poverty thinking and then abundance would surely be mine. Over and over, I had done this.....but not this time.
This time, I had nothing left with which to fight, no will left to resist what was or distract myself from it's truth. At that moment, I simply surrendered to my life. It was a quiet moment. I did not realize how profound that calm, dead quiet moment was until later.
Owning my Reality:
After that slice of silent eternity, a quiet so profound you could hear a soul drop, I was in a rarified atmosphere of transmutation. I could feel it in the air, literally, as if I were in a vacuum that was alive with energy but no sound.
I remember thinking of poverty as a being, literally. Like I could see it out in front of me, as a living entity. I said to poverty:
"Come here. Come on. OK. You are mine. I created you. I accept you. Come here."
I said this in a gentle way, not hating but calling genuinely to that which I had created and asking it to come to me fully so that I could embrace it fully, something I had never done before. This is so important, such a pivotal moment .... embracing the state of being in lack was a choice that had NEVER occurred to me before.
It had always felt to me that I had to use every ounce of fight I had in me to keep poverty at bay but the reality was that all the fighting had not caused it to leave my life. On the contrary, the more I battled poverty, the more lack and longing kept cycling back through my life and, with each cycle, the effects were stronger and stronger until it brought me to that moment, where being poor permeated every aspect of my life.
I chose to accept poverty, to own my reality, to embrace what I had created and co-created in my life. As if I were embracing a child, I embraced poverty; the entire lineage of what that had meant to me, not just in this current life but in all lives before this one. I sank into the feeling of lack and completely released all need to change it, get rid of it, fight it or hate it. I let it be. I let it be. I could not imagine the power of that miraculous moment.
Janis Joplin sang about freedom being "just another word" for that moment when we realize that there is nothing else to lose ... The rest of that day had a feeling to it that I didn't immediately recognize because I had seldom felt it... it was freedom. I could breathe. There was no enemy to conquer anymore, there was nothing to change and nothing to do. In some way that I doubt I can ever explain with words, I shifted in that moment. I owned my reality, for the first time in my life. I accepted it, completely and without judgment.
Simultaneous to that decision, I let God take over what should have been God's job to begin with - aligning me with my greatest good. Within a week from that day, my income inexplicably tripled and though I have gone through periods of contraction and expansion about money ever since, I've never contracted to that extreme level of poverty again. What we cannot own, we cannot change. As long as we remain outside our own co-creations and in a state of blame or in a victim mindset, we can only perpetuate our current reality.
Once we fully own our reality, we can clearly begin to understand why we created the life we have now and we can also learn how to allow the creation of the life we want.
If you are struggling with poverty consciousness, it doesn't have to take a catastrophic event to catapult you into positive change, the way it happened with me. It may be helpful to look at your habitual response to feelings of lack in your life, look at what you are resisting about your reality around money, and work toward acceptance of your reality without judgment. Own your reality and you are empowered to change it.
Here's the kicker to that experience for me - after my income reached a level where I really didn't have to think about anything I wanted to buy or any experience I wanted to have, some very important things did not change. I still found myself wanting... something. Only after I got the pieces of paper, only after I had money, did I notice it wasn't the thing that was truly missing. For me, that's the real value of a resource like this. Get the money. Get the things that feel missing from your life. Then, notice what else may be missing.
Fast Forward to 2014:
In 2014, after a nice long period of having the money to do what I wanted to do, I once again began to experience the uncomfortable reality of diminishing finances. Part of the reason is that I know the time has come for the current economy and way of life to collapse and for a new way to take it's place. I understood long ago that those of us who choose to champion the new way and live outside mainstream employment with all that entails, things might get rough. They did.
Part of my personal commitment to that new way of living involved choosing not to be captive to a mortgage. It's bigger than that decision though. I decided not to support a society that is built on a structure where 5 percent of the people hold all the wealth and the rest work all their lives for a roof over their head, or at least to support it as little as I could and still stay alive in the current structure. I do not support a society where there are enough houses sitting silent and empty to house every homeless person in the United States. I do not support a society where people slave away their lives for nothing more than a roof over their heads and food.
Fast Forward: 2018:
The results of making those decisions, and the discovery that working within the existing structures (at least, my attempts to do so thus far) meant not exercising my gifts in the way that brings the most passion and light into the world, ushered in another round at what looks like a poverty buffet table. Perhaps the same as you, I am reminding myself of what my soul wants, and remembering how to let my soul guide me there. The difference I'm noticing is that, each time I encounter the demon of lack in my life, I am a little better prepared to see it for what it really is. Fear, doubt, the collective mindset of survival and many other aspects of our current earth reality all impact me as much as the next person. If I watch the news just one time, my energetic vibration plummets. Being more aware of all the elements that are involved than the last time, each dance I do with poverty or the appearance of it, loses a little more steam. More on that at the end. But first....
Chapter 4: A path to surrender
Spiritual Health Disclaimer: The spiritual information on this website is the result of my own life as a 6/3 Generator (research Human Design to see what that means) practicing trial and error. Nothing here is meant to replace a person's innate spiritual sensing and guidance.